For me, it was marvelous and I treasured every second I had with you. And yet, even it would sound really yuckie... but I was really extremely happy with you.
But then again, I was wrong. Because I wasn't actually ready for any form of relationship at that moment. Believe it or not, but what happened to me previously (before I met you) had been a big mistake and I really need time to heal, and by the time I was fixing my self, you came along...
My mistake was, I took things too fast. I really didn't want to loose you, because I was too afraid that I would loose my happiness. Because you're the one that made me happy back then (and now still ;) ). But actually I had not yet fixed my self from the past...I was actually not ready to be with you at that time.
The thing was, I didn't want to loose you, but I didn't know what I have to do. I don't know how to please you, but at the same time you made me happy with just being you. But me... I was too busy figuring out how to please you, that sometimes I just tried too hard not to be myself. I was too afraid that just being me was not right, and will never please you. So I was trying too hard to please you...and now I realized (actually not just now...but some times ago)... I'd been a total dumb ass.
I remember every word you said that day, when you told me that we should not see each other again. Yes, I hated you so much that day...and a few days after. As I mentioned before...I erased everything about you. Because I just don't want to know you again. Ever again! And I never took the normal door and always took the other door so that I didn't get to see your name at the door and I didn't have to pass by your working station. Ok...Silly me...whatever...
And then I went back to Indonesia, back home. I was talking to many friends and family (not about you and me..but only about me). And I just realize all of the sudden, that I still have to fix my self, because I am totally unstable and I don't even know what I wanted. And I started to think about what I did to you and put you onto those whole situation and everything. I just realize...that I was the one who put you into uncomfortable situation and I should not hate you for what you did. So then I just do what you wanted us to be... 'not seeing each other again' and even at that point I really wanted to see you, I didn't try to reach you, because you probably just don't want to see me again...but I really did want to see you, just to know how you're doing... but I don't know why I've just never seen you. I started to take the normal door again...but still...no you around...
And then I got a chance to see you. And I really wanted to say sorry, but I don't know when is the right time. But my feeling tell me that I owe you an apologize because it's just the right thing to do, so I just wanted to say sorry for everything that had happened those days. And yet you said that it's not about me, but I guess i shared my mistake there. So...I apologize. I am sorry.
there I said it... Everything I had to say. I am now moving on...
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